


tylenol and beer.

by o_uchies



Category: BoJack Horseman
Genre: (hopefully), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, F/M, Porn With Plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:00:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24486271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/o_uchies/pseuds/o_uchies
Summary: Though plenty of Diane Nguyen’s adolescence was consumed by the hit 90’s television program "Horsin’ Around," she never would’ve thought that she would one day be working side-by-side with the illustrious BoJack Horseman — or see that he never possessed said luster in the first place. However, she watches as their business relationship blossoms into that of friendship, and she’s provided a glimpse at another side of him; not the paternal figure on television or even the troubled Hollywood caricature, but something far more tangible.
Relationships: BoJack Horseman/Diane Nguyen
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	tylenol and beer.

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from "this is the last time" by the national.

**1996**

On a cool January night, Los Angeles police spot People’s Choice Award nominee BoJack Horseman street racing on Glenoaks Boulevard. In Horseman’s possession, the police uncover a pack of Oreo cookies, a month’s supply of durex tropical-flavoured condoms, a six-pack cardboard container of Budweiser (one bottle with its closure missing and another already drained), and a ziploc sandwich bag carrying two grams of cocaine. 

“What the fuck did I do?” Horseman asks the officer who pulled him over. The barely-visible camera strapped to the officer’s chest shows the 32-year-old actor with hungry pupils and flushed cheeks. His knuckles are white where they're flexed around the steering wheel of his black Cadillac Deville. When the officer calmly asks Horseman to exit the vehicle and lean against its exterior so he can pat him down for weapons, he laughs. 

“I don’t have any fucking weapons. Why do you have to search me? What the fuck is this all about?” 

The following morning, BoJack Horseman is charged with drunk driving, resisting arrest, and drug possession. In his infamous mugshot, he bears a white-toothed grin. 

The police report makes it to television as soon as it’s published. 

The Los Angeles Times says that he’s a terrible example for children, his television show’s target demographic and most active fanbase. CNN says that his show's director, Nathan Reed, should take up the responsibility of firing Horseman from the show altogether. After all, he could be replaced by any other attractive man with a convincing-enough paternal spirit. No child would notice nor would they even care. TMZ says that he should be ejected from the world of show business entirely. After all, he’s not even that powerful of an actor. He’s just an idiot drug-addict who chain-smokes, dabbles in the occasional drag-race, and calls for police escorts to strip clubs, sometimes even on a nightly basis. He's not someone who's able to live by even the most basic of social rules. He simply isn’t fit for family-friendly entertainment. 

Diane still keeps a copy of BoJack Horseman’s face — which she paid two cents to print at the Boston Public Library — taped to the inside of her school-assigned locker. 

**Author's Note:**

> forgive me for removing the animal aspect of the story. since i'm going to be writing explicit content, i felt uncomfortable doing so with anthropomorphic characters. raphael-bob waksberg made sheaths canon in season six, and i'm still trying to cope with it. 😔


End file.
